Would not have thought it possible

But, oh yes, it is true.

Two solid days of hassle from

A toddler’s midnight spew. 🤢

…

Carnage doesn’t cover it.

It’s biblical I’d pick.

There was not a single thing

That had escaped the sick.

…

Growbag, sleep pod, sheet and vest

Mattress, floor and cot.

Two days later I’m still washing

To make it through the lot. 😩

There is no better feeling,

I’m sure you will agree,

Than when you put them down to nap

And have a cup of tea. 😍

…

The house, it seems so tranquil.

You’d even say serene.

It’s feels like it’s the most chilled out

A house has ever been.

…

But just as your bum hits the couch

That’s when you recall,

You’ve still got chores and so you cannot

Relax after all. 😩

Nothing can prepare you

For when you have a child.

I cannot stress enough that your whole

Life will be restyled.

…

So if you think you want one,

Make sure you’ve got the facts,

As they don’t come with a gift receipt

And you cannot take them back. 😜

…

Personally I was ready for

The challenges it brings.

Just as well, as having children

Changes everything!

Dinner time is when I find

My neurosis at its height.

When toddler glue’s their lips tight shut,

Won’t take a single bite. 😶

…

That’s when instinct kicks right in,

The panic and the fear.

To us it feels as if they haven’t

Eaten for a year!

…

You try, you coax, you beg, you plead,

But it does no good

And you are stuck at panic station

Until they eat some food. 😱

For such a tiny person

They sure need lots of stuff.

For example, muslins. You can

Never have enough.

…

Compared to now, our living room

Was almost minimalist.

Now, to even find the couch

You’ll need a map and compass. 🧐

…

I dread to think in future what

Our house will turn into.

Coz it seems as they get bigger,

Their stuff gets bigger too. 😩

Toddler has now mastered

The power of the whinge

And how it controls Mummy’s brain.

It’s wired directly in! 🤯

…

What is wrong’s irrelevant.

It doesn’t matter why.

You still can’t ignore it.

You can’t even try.

…

I have tried to fight it,

But it is just no use.

It’s built into my DNA.

(Well, that is my excuse). 😳

A whole film on a Friday night

AND a glass of wine?

I’d feel like all my Christmases

Had come at the same time. 😃

…

Once upon a time, a quiet

Night would make me sneer. 🙄

Now that ordinary night’s

The highlight of my year!

…

So if you don’t yet have a child,

But it is in the plan,

Appreciate the ‘boring’ nights.

Enjoy them while you can!

These days, 3am and I

Have become firm friends. 😴

(And I don’t mean that I have been

Clubbing each weekend).

…

Even if I’m up for work,

Toddler doesn’t care.

They have not learned empathy

And don’t think it’s unfair.

…

So I’ve forgotten what it’s like

To get a full eight hours.

If I did, I think I’d feel

Like I had superpowers. 🤔

Going anywhere is like

A military op.

Even things as simple as

Just popping to the shop.

…

The planning is ridiculous

To get them out the door. 🤔

Sometimes I will even have

A shower the night before.

…

Lots of things can wreck your plans,

But here are the main two:

Whether they have had a nap

And if they’ve had a poo! 😱

I’m pretty sure our washing basket

Breeds while we’re asleep.

There’s no way we have worn that many

Clothes in just one week! 😱

…

I’ve employed some drastic tactics

To reduce the vast amount.

But it doesn’t seem to make a dent.

There’s more than I can count!

…

I used to wear my clothes just once.

My self-indulgence was obscene.

Now it is a win if I spend

Three days in my jeans! ⭐️🙂